As an African parent living abroad, you may face challenges when it comes to disciplining your children.You want to pass on your cultural values and traditions to your child, but you also want to fit in with your new community. You worry about being too strict or too lenient, and you wonder how to balance discipline with love and understanding.

In this article, we’ll explore the importance of discipline, tips for navigating discipline as an African parent abroad, and how to balance traditional values with modern parenting approaches. Some parents also shared their experiences with us (names have been changed for privacy purposes), and we’ll address specific challenges faced by Nigerian parents abroad while also providing practical advice for overcoming them.

African vs Western Approaches To Discipline

Discipline is an essential aspect of parenting, but its approach varies across cultures. African and Western societies have distinct beliefs and methods when it comes to disciplining children. Understanding these differences can help African parents abroad navigate the challenges of discipline in a foreign environment.

*Mr Adetunji, a 35 year old father shared his experience, one that is common with many African parents who moved abroad.

“Growing up in Nigeria, my upbringing was heavily influenced by traditional African values. Respect for elders was paramount, and discipline often meant strict measures to ensure that children understood and adhered to rules. The expectation was clear: you obey your parents and teachers, no questions asked. This form of parenting left its mark on me, fostering a sense of responsibility and respect, but it also set a high bar for my own parenting approach.

When I moved abroad, I realized that the context in which I was raising my children had dramatically changed. The cultural norms of respect and authority varied, often emphasizing open communication and emotional awareness over strict obedience. At first, I struggled to adapt. There were moments I wanted to enforce discipline the way I was raised, but I quickly understood that a one size fits all approach would not work. My children were growing up in a culturally diverse environment, and I had to navigate this new landscape while remaining true to my roots.”

Let’s explore a bit of how these parenting styles differ across backgrounds.

African Approach To Discipline

In African culture, discipline is often seen as a way to teach children respect, responsibility, and self-control. Traditional African discipline methods include:

• Physical punishment (e.g, spanking, caning)
• Verbal correction (e.g, scolding, reprimanding)
• Community involvement (e.g, elders, extended family members)
• Cultural teachings (e.g, stories, proverbs, rituals)

These methods aim to instill respect for elders, tradition, and community. However, some African parents abroad may struggle to adapt these methods to their new environment, where physical punishment is often frowned upon.

Source: vecteezy.com

Western Approach To Discipline

In Western culture, they typically value assertiveness and independence in their children (Rothbaum, Morelli, Pott, & Liu-Constant, 2000).

Discipline focuses on teaching children self-regulation, accountability, and empathy. Common Western discipline methods include:

• Positive reinforcement (e.g, praise, rewards)
• Natural consequences (e.g, letting a child experience the outcome of their actions)
• Withdrawing privileges and benefits (e.g withdrawing mobile devices for a period of time)
• Active ignoring (ignoring minor misbehaviors)

These methods prioritize child-centeredness, empathy, and individualism. Western parents often emphasize communication, negotiation, and mutual respect.

Balancing Traditional Nigerian Values With Modern Parenting Styles

As an African parent abroad, you may face challenges reconciling your cultural heritage with the Western approach to discipline. Here are some tips to help you navigate this:

Be open to learning from both cultures:

As an African parent abroad, you may encounter new parenting styles and techniques that differ from what you’re used to. Be willing to learn from these differences and adapt your parenting style to fit your child’s needs. This might mean trying new discipline methods or incorporating Western values like empathy and self-expression into your parenting.

*Ms Ginika, a Nigerian mother in her late thirties, shared her story of navigating discipline, by embracing both cultures:

“Disciplining children abroad can sometimes feel like walking a tightrope. For instance, one of my children threw a tantrum in a grocery store once, which was a jarring experience for me. In our culture, such behaviors are typically met with immediate corrective action, often in the form of a stern reprimand or, God forbid, a public scolding. However, in this new context, I found myself surrounded by onlookers who may have judged my actions as too harsh or inappropriate.

This event taught me an important lesson in adaptability. Instead of reacting impulsively, I took a deep breath and knelt down to my child’s level. I spoke softly, asking questions about their feelings. I realized that my upbringing emphasized discipline through authoritative means, but modern parenting encourages dialogue and emotional understanding. It wasn’t easy, but in navigating these challenges, I discovered that staying calm and consistent was key to effective discipline.”

Adapt traditional African methods

Update your discipline approach to fit your new surroundings. For example, instead of physical punishment, you may want to consider withdrawing privileges or grounding them for a period of time. These are forms of discipline that still work, without inflicting physical harm to your child.

Find a balance between discipline and nurturing

Make sure to show love and affection while still setting boundaries and teaching responsibility. Don’t forget to also adopt positive reinforcement like praise or rewards. This helps your child feel safe, supported, develop a healthy self-esteem and learn from their mistakes without fear.

Involve your child in the discipline process

Explain why certain behaviors are wrong and encourage your child to reflect on their actions. This may not be a widely-used form of discipline back home in your African country, however, doing this helps your child develop critical thinking skills and take ownership of their mistakes.

Another parent, Ms Oluchi shared a challenging incident involving her son at school. He had been involved in a dispute with classmates, and when she was informed, her instinct was to confront the other children’s parents and demand respect for her child. Instead, she took a step back.

She spoke with her son about the incident, encouraging him to express his feelings and listen to the perspectives of his classmates. After understanding both sides, they worked together to resolve the conflict. This approach not only taught her son critical problem-solving skills but also fostered a sense of empathy.

Teach your child cultural pride

Another aspect of balance is teaching your child about cultural pride. You should involve your children in discussions about your heritage, teaching them the importance of respect, responsibility, and community. Make a habit of celebrating traditional holidays and practices, ensuring they understand where they come from while also embracing the new culture around them.

“My daughter came home upset because she was teased by her peers about her accent.” Juliana, a 45 year old mother who had migrated with her teenage daughters shared.
“I felt a protective urge to confront her classmates, but instead, I focused on empowering her. We talked about her feelings, and I encouraged her to embrace her unique background. It taught her resilience and pride in her identity, demonstrating an effective way to navigate cultural challenges.”

Seek support from your community

Connect with other African parents or join cultural communities to get guidance and support. Sharing experiences and advice with others who understand your cultural background can help you navigate discipline challenges and find solutions that work for you and your child.

By understanding and blending the strengths of both African and Western approaches, you can develop a discipline style that honors your cultural heritage while thriving in your new environment.

More Tips For Navigating Discipline As An African Parent Abroad

• Stay calm and patient: Discipline can be stressful, but it’s essential to remain calm and patient. Take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away for a moment to collect your thoughts.

• Set clear boundaries: Children need to know what’s expected of them. Set clear rules and consequences, and make sure everyone in the household is on the same page.

• Use positive words: Praise your children when they behave well, and use positive reinforcement like stickers, stars, or special treats.

• Understand your child’s perspective: Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to see things from their point of view. This helps you respond to their needs and concerns.

• Seek support: Reach out to your partner, family, friends, or a therapist for support and guidance. Discipline can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone.

• Be consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to discipline. Stick to your rules and consequences, even when it’s hard.

• Show love and affection: Discipline is not about punishing your child, but about teaching them right from wrong. Show your child love and affection, even when they misbehave.

• Respect cultural differences: You may face cultural differences in your new community, but that doesn’t mean you have to compromise your values. Find ways to respectfully navigate these differences and pass on your cultural heritage to your child.

Conclusion

Navigating discipline as an African parent abroad can be challenging, but with the right approach, you can pass on your cultural values and traditions to your children while also helping them thrive in their new environment.

Remember to stay flexible, patient, and supportive, and don’t be afraid to seek help when you need it. By following the tips outlined in this article, you can develop a parenting style that blends the best of African traditions with modern approaches to discipline.

For additional guidance and tips on how to share your Nigerian culture while nurturing a well-rounded African child, here’s an invite to join the LearnWazobia community. 

Here, parents can access resources around parenting, and language learning tips that enhance cultural awareness. Additionally, consider enrolling your children in Nigerian language learning classes to help them speak Igbo, Yoruba, or Hausa. 

This will not only strengthen their connection to their roots but also empower them with a deeper understanding of their cultural heritage.